Please comment on Chinese translation of an English poem

[brulow]

Hello, I have written a poem in English, for my girlfriend, and I have had it translated into Chinese. Although I'm a beginning learner of Chinese, it is well beyond my ability to evaluate the translation. Would anyone like to offer an opinion of the translation? If you would, then please see below where I have included the original English version, and a link to an image of the translation. Thanks for your help.

The translation is viewable at: http://picasaweb.google.com/lowery.bruc ... 1482338882

The English version is:
--------------------------

beloved, my soul is for you
as the flower is for the morning dew

as the treetops are for the evening breeze
as the moonlight is for pacific seas

and sometimes too,

as the lightning is for the thunderous crash
as the untamed fire for the blackened ash

beloved, i have know love in lives lived past
but none such as this

[xunhaiyecha]

I think your Chinese is better than my English
but strange metaphors...maybe this is the cultural differences

[xunhaiyecha]

forgot to say "good as a beginning learner of Chinese" -______-b